PHASE II
How can it be over before it really even started? It's only been a bit over a month since we've officially started seeing each other. And now it's all over...
Somehow things got so sour and went so awfully wrong, I don't even know if it's salvageable. For so long, I've put my guard down for him, being loving, being caring, knowing fully that it's a risk to do so. But that's the only way I know how to love. So much has happened since getting here. So much I can fill a book, but it's hard to write it all down while things were happening, even harder now that it's all gone.
I know he cared for me and maybe even loved me. But right now, he only has contempt for me. I've invested so much of my time and energy, so much of my emotional self went to him, went to making things work. We've gone through so much just to be together, to be free, to love. Then suddenly it all went awry.
I'm closing myself now. I'm going on self-preservation mode. I've given and given so much, I've lost so much soul to this. Regardless of what the truth is now, I need to take care of myself. Regardless of what he thinks of me, if he hates me, if he still holds a grudge against me, then I can't do anything to help him. It's his anger, his rage, his hate, things that can engulf him. But it's all in him. I have nothing but love, and it's time to give back the love to myself. I just have to deal with this stupid memory that brings up the things that hurt. I know eventually I'll be able to think of the things that heal, and we'll both get better, maybe even become friends again. But until that day happens, I'm going into hibernation.
This was the worst case scenario, coming to SF and have the relationship go wrong. I feared it would happen, maybe so much that it affected the relationship. But it happened, and I'm left to pick up where my fear left off. And I am suddenly fearless.
When things are looking down, there's only up.
Initially when we were together, I wanted to spend a good long time here in the Bay, more than the two year stint I said I would do. My reason was him, and my goal was to move to SF to be with him. But now that things fell apart with him, I have a new goal, and that's to go back home to New York City after the two years and begin anew with that city to rebuild my relationship with it. I needed to be away from New York, to see what's out there. And maybe one day I'll come to love San Francisco, but I know my home and true love is New York City. It has always been good to me.
Somehow things got so sour and went so awfully wrong, I don't even know if it's salvageable. For so long, I've put my guard down for him, being loving, being caring, knowing fully that it's a risk to do so. But that's the only way I know how to love. So much has happened since getting here. So much I can fill a book, but it's hard to write it all down while things were happening, even harder now that it's all gone.
I know he cared for me and maybe even loved me. But right now, he only has contempt for me. I've invested so much of my time and energy, so much of my emotional self went to him, went to making things work. We've gone through so much just to be together, to be free, to love. Then suddenly it all went awry.
I'm closing myself now. I'm going on self-preservation mode. I've given and given so much, I've lost so much soul to this. Regardless of what the truth is now, I need to take care of myself. Regardless of what he thinks of me, if he hates me, if he still holds a grudge against me, then I can't do anything to help him. It's his anger, his rage, his hate, things that can engulf him. But it's all in him. I have nothing but love, and it's time to give back the love to myself. I just have to deal with this stupid memory that brings up the things that hurt. I know eventually I'll be able to think of the things that heal, and we'll both get better, maybe even become friends again. But until that day happens, I'm going into hibernation.
This was the worst case scenario, coming to SF and have the relationship go wrong. I feared it would happen, maybe so much that it affected the relationship. But it happened, and I'm left to pick up where my fear left off. And I am suddenly fearless.
When things are looking down, there's only up.
Initially when we were together, I wanted to spend a good long time here in the Bay, more than the two year stint I said I would do. My reason was him, and my goal was to move to SF to be with him. But now that things fell apart with him, I have a new goal, and that's to go back home to New York City after the two years and begin anew with that city to rebuild my relationship with it. I needed to be away from New York, to see what's out there. And maybe one day I'll come to love San Francisco, but I know my home and true love is New York City. It has always been good to me.
posted by kumo at 2:59 PM
1 Comments:
the one good thing about nyc is- it will always be here.
hope all is well.
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