lose to gain

My recent disappearing act was the result of an accumulation of many small mistakes, mostly due in part by my lack of care, lapse in judgment or simply fate. But according to my mom's fortune teller, they're all supposed to happen, just be glad it wasn't worse. Whatever the cause, I am glad to slowly regain my strength and sound of mind, because changes are coming, and they're coming on strong.

About two Fridays ago, after picking up M from the airport and getting the rental back to the city, we met up with the rest of my friends for a movie. We parked in the parking lot of the theater and moved our valuables to the trunk (which to many, is a pretty safe way to deter theft). But to our detriment, we hadn't noticed our laptop bags were stolen until we had arrived home. Suffice to say, we both lost our laptops, and all the other tech/gadgets in our laptop bags. Whoever stole them hit the jackpot, because after we tallied up our loss, total was worth more than five thousand dollars. After much grief and moping around, we filed the proper reports, called the proper authorities and mustered up some will to just keep moving on from that.

Never in my life have I lost so much in material value in one shot before. It took some time to shake off the shock I was in. Not that I wasn't upset about the amount of money I had lost because of it, but I was even MORE upset that I had lost my backup drive, which stored in it was all the work I've been saving from freelance gigs, personal work, resources, ideas, inspirations, and many of my photo/video backups. Poof, gone just like that.

To protect ourselves from identity theft, we made the arrangements to keep our credit safe with some credit protection agencies, changed passwords, and switched handles around. Just. In. Case. And so that I don't lose my clients, I've requested extensions to the jobs with deadlines still pending. So when I get paid for these jobs, at least I can pay for the new tech I have to replace... like this new laptop I'm typing on.

All the while, the past two weeks or so I've been battling with the most insane allergies I have ever endured. I am also positively sure that somewhere along the lines of allergies, I caught a bug that manifested itself into a sinus infection. Lacking adequate knowledge of such conditions, I've began a loosely armed war again what I thought was mere seasonal allergy attack, when quite possibly it was an onslaught of a head-cold, sinus infection, and the said allergies. I took various drugs to no avail, allergy medication, cold medication, specifically targeted medicines for whatever parts that cause me grief. Then one night, I hit a peak of infection and got a fever. Ah ha, finally something I'm familiar with. I took the proper meds and hit the sack for a night of full-on sweat session. I grew up learning that whenever I have a fever, with the right medication, one sure-fire way to feel better is to sweat it all out under a ton of blankets and plenty of water (to counter the dehydration). Lo and behold, the next morning, I began my way to recovery. Though the recovery has been slow, I am finally beginning to feel better. I still have the occasional night cough and morning loogies, but otherwise full strength gained. Now enabled with new laptop with top of the line apps to get work going again, healthy regained, prospective jobs upcoming, I am starting to feel a lot better.

As for the changes that are ahead, M finally got a job offer he had been waiting for, and glad we are to have waited. He'll be transferred back up to the Bay Area, most likely San Jose, with a pay cut, one he's happy to take because at last he'll be back up here. And as for me, I will be moving in with him. It's a big step, one that took me awhile to arrive at, but am confident to take. I know the logic behind moving away form the city in which I work to another city just to be with the boyfriend, but logic never was my ally much of my life anyhow. I will commute to San Francisco from San Jose, I'll be close to a Caltrain station so I can easily stay mobile. And if all goes well and as planned, I may even consider buy a car to make my California life complete.

There are many benefits to moving in with M. Most of which we both agree will make our lives better. A main component to it were the amount of money we'll save, the ease of living, and quality of life we will improve upon. This will effectively be the first time I ever live with someone I am dating, but since we have discussed this at length, I see it wise to finally take this step.

So what did the fortune teller say exactly? That I turn thirty this year (in Chinese astrology, first year of birth is counted as one), which will affect my luck for the next few years. But before my luck turns better, it has to turn for the worse. I was to lose a lot of wealth, face painful health issues, and endure shit-talk, gossip, from others. I am to work hard, but be wary of health and fitness, and for the rest of the year joy will be plentiful.

Whether or not I should believe, I know honest hard work always brought me results. I know karma will work her cosmic ways and the thieves and shit-talkers will get theirs.

edge of 17

It was the end of my junior year of high school, classes ended and Summer break had just started. I wrote his number down in my sketch pad on the last page, and he wrote mine on his hand. We agreed to meet up once Summer starts and hang out, skate, chill at park and do whatever. I hadn't thought much of it at the time, but there was something in the air that made me giddy, or it could have been the Summer approaching. He was my classmate and group partner in Illustration Art Studio class and known as the class clown. The rest of our group would often get in trouble by association. I didn't mind though, it was entertainment to pass the time. He was two inches taller than I was, had a short cropped tuft of thick black hair, medium build, and a smile that's worthy of a photo at any angle, thoroughly well liked and an incredible illustrator. He would make fart jokes, penis jokes, pop references, often with drawings, doodles, or voice imitations. He would be Beavis and another guy in the group would be Butthead. The jokes sometimes repeated, for an entire school year, but that didn't stop us or the rest of the class from laughing aloud each time. There was a charm to him that drew us in like an audience awaiting the punchline. My attraction then wasn't of the sexual kind, I was still too naive to know. It was an admiration like the kind you would a pretty flower, or cool toy, or an awesome friend. He was a cool guy to hang around and a source of laughter for me. He was likable and I felt at ease around him. When Summer came, we started to hang out.



Summer break went by rather quickly. It was the only Summer that I didn't have a job, or had family obligations to tend to, so I spent it by doing what I figured all the other kids would be doing, nothing. We sat on apartment front stoops in the East Village and played spitting games, stole refills of coke from McDonalds on Broadway, snuck into movie theaters for matinees. We would go skating at Central Park and chill there until the sun went down. He was excellent on roller blades, and I was clumsy and awkward. He flew around gracefully around me but never once taunted me about it. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. On days we didn't meet up, we would talk on the phone just about anything and everything there is to talk about at seventeen. TV shows, movies, cartoons, games. In his case, he would go on end about his new roller blades, the new barings he had gotten. We talked about our families, our history, what we wanted to do with our lives. All the while I laid on the floor in my bedroom, staring off into nothingness, dancing around in my head to the sound of his voice. Days like this would pass, and each day that floated by, my feelings for him grew stronger and more intense.

The weekend before the first day of our senior year, we chatted on the phone like we normally do, about how much we hated the idea that classes were starting, about what classes we were going to be in together, what design schools we were considering, and a whole lot of other nonsense. But something was different. My heart was pounding, a pain in my throat the size of a baseball was welling up, my entire body shook from nervousness. That afternoon, I decided to tell him that I liked him... in a more than a friend kind of way.

In hindsight, we had never talked about dating before, about girls, or boys, about relationships, or sex. Our collective seventeen year old minds never once went there. How could I have assumed that my attraction for him, and my subsequent declaration of it, would amount to anything that would be advantageous to a developing relationship? I just knew I simply had to... to just tell him. And that's what I said. "You're probably really shocked and confused at what I told you, and I'm not asking you to respond to it or anything. I just really wanted you to know." My voice quivered to the shaking of my body, and it sounded alien, like a small dying animal. He was silent. For what felt like hours. And to save myself any more embarrassment I said "Anyway, I'll see you in class. Bye." and hung up.

In school the next day, I feigned excitement at the dawning of our senior year. One more year and we're home free, officially the oldest in school, the prospects of college, and preparation for a whole entire new world ahead of us. The energy was in the air. But something else was on my mind. It was him. And what was to become of us. I went along with the motions and headed to each class. In my backpack was a letter I was to give him. A sort of apology letter, or reconciliation letter, or explanation, or whatever it was in hopes that he won't hate me forever. I felt ashamed, confused, and conflicted. I regretted that I had told him anything at all. Above all that, I still liked him. Each class I sat in, the ones we were to have together, there was an empty seat. When the teacher did role-call, no one would respond when his name was called. As the day went by, every class I went to where he was absent, the weight in my heart grew heavier by the minute. I fell silent at dinner that night, ate little and did not sleep. Playing out in my mind every word I said on the phone that afternoon, recounting each second he was silent, while a darkness grew inside me.

I found out weeks later from mutual friends that he had dropped some classes and switched out of the ones we were in. Since no one else knew what had happened between us, no one questioned why he switched. That day I found out, I went home sobbing on the bus. The walk to my front door seemed to take forever. It was the most intense heartbreak I had ever felt in all the seventeen years of my life. It was the worst outcome that could have happened. Had he joked around or laughed at me, or said "I can't be your boyfriend, but I'd still be your friend." I would've accepted happily. But I guess I expected too much.

Senior year went by and I eventually got over it. I started going to a youth group in West Village for LGBT city kids, acceptance started to finally sink in and I was growing into myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. That year I also attempted coming out to my family, which failed miserably, but I'll save that for another story. We passed each other more than several times in the hallways through the year. He would always avoid my gaze and pretend not to know me. Even when our old group would meet up, he'd hardly even look at me, let alone have a conversation. It was as if the entire year of friendship was wiped clean and I no longer existed. So I shelved away those feelings I had for him and forced myself to grow up.

{}-annie lenox- no more i love yous

He used to comically mimic the song "No More I Love You's" by Annie Lenox, where at the start of the song that goes "doobee doobee doo doo doo... ahhh" The rest of us would laugh and sing along. He did that so much randomly that it embedded that very school year and that Summer break into my being forever. And I grew to love the song, it represented a time of my life where things were forever changed. Whenever that song comes on the radio, I would be transported back to my old bedroom, in the summer time of 1997, on my bedroom floor, staring off into nothingness, dancing around in my head to the sound of his voice, wishing I were his.

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And it feels like I'm seventeen again
Feels like I'm seventeen again
Looking from the outside in some things never change
Hey hey I'm a million miles away
Funny how it seems like yesterday
- eurythmics 17 again

Scatterbrain

I don't think I write enough these days, at least not as much as I used to. My main problem is finding the adequate time to do it. Often, throughout the day, I would have things to write about, but never end up getting to them. I've told myself time and again to jot some ideas down at the very least, and save them for later elaboration. When I do have time however, namely downtime, I end up indulging in the momentary freedom and completely forget that I had materials to write about, and should I remember that I did have things to write about... I get too bogged down to write about them. It becomes a chore if I have to force myself to do it.

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Today was a slow day at my office. My project is pending approvals and cannot proceed without client's input. So it's the waiting game. During this "down time" today I browsed all the movie trailers on the Quicktime site. It's been awhile since I've seen a good movie at the theaters. I completely missed the Slumdog Millionaire bangwagon and will have to catch it on DVD some time later. I'm pretty excited about some of the films that are coming out, there are some pretty awesome looking flicks upcoming. Here's a list of what I'm planning on seeing:

• Mutant Chronicles
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• Up
• Planet 51
• Star Trek
• Monsters and Aliens
• G.I. Joe
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• The Watchmen
• Astroboy
• 9

There are some foreign language films that I'm pretty excited to see too:

• Tokyo!
• Owl and Sparrow
• Tokyo Sonata
• Cherry Blossoms
• Paris 36
• Sin Nombre

And some notables:

• Medicine for Melancholie
• Gigantic

I will most likely not able to see all of them obviously. I'd be short several hundred dollars. But I will try to catch as many of these as possible.

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What I'm loving lately. Asian American film makers slowly making their way into mainstream. This one in particular has been gaining some popularity at least in the online community. And soon, hopefully, we'll be seeing more work from him. I'd love to see what he can do with feature films.

my work space and inspiration

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really great video. directed by the singer himself Oren Lavie

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