the good and bad

There's never enough hours in a day...

I've been extremely busy. I suppose that a good thing. Idleness drives me insane. Work has picked up tremendously, and I've been involving myself in several freelance projects, with and without pay. And it keeps life more interesting.

Living with the boyfriend for about a month now and we've gotten into a routine. I find security in routines, the assurance of predictability is comforting. This is not to say that I cannot deal with change, randomness, spontaneity, or chaos. I actually seek those out when there is a need for them. All in moderation of course. Having someone to say "Honey, I'm home" brings me a certain joy. As is having someone to wake up to, having someone to cook a meal for, or have a meal prepared by. This has been the most natural I've ever felt with anyone. It helps a lot that we're both very similar in our lifestyles, which makes for an easy living environment.

As great as everything sounds though, I've been feeling rather uneasy for a while. At first the string of misfortune that happened upon both of us got us rather foul in mood, then one morning I had forgotten to validate my train ticket which resulted in a citation which summons me to appear in court. And if I choose not to appear, I must pay a fine of $353. This really puts the cherry on top of my sundae of doom. On top of transitioning to a new routine and schedule, my emotional stability was rather shaken, which explains a lot of my anxiety. Digging deeper though, I realized that there was an anxiety in me similar to guilt or resentment of self. Where it stemmed from was rather obvious, but was not clear to me until I gave it some serious thought, which was that the New Yorker in me was conflicting with my recent decisions that might make me more permanent of a Californian: the recent partnership in a start-up company, my moving in with the boyfriend, living in an awesome lofted apartment, essentially starting a life, growing roots. This will disappoint my friends back home and let down my parents hope of me returning home anytime soon.

My default plan prior to moving to the West Coast was to give it a go for two years, and thereafter return to New York. What I never could have guessed was that I would find a relationship that worked so well, and finding a job that suits me, and living in a more-than-perfect apartment. Lo and behold, time slipped right by me and my two year mark is just around the corner. It baffles me how quickly two years had gone by. It has been awhile since I've visited home, and it made me nervous. As if the ground beneath my feet, the very ground that I knew to love and hate were slipping away from me, and I must jump to this other new ground. In essence, since I have many attachments to home still, New York inside me was fighting for attention and resented that I chose California.

I hope my visit in July would quiet that part of me. And I'm also hoping that by appearing in court would reduce my fine. And also I hope to finally settle in some and find more time to take up some leisure activities.

Otherwise things are dandy!

lose to gain

My recent disappearing act was the result of an accumulation of many small mistakes, mostly due in part by my lack of care, lapse in judgment or simply fate. But according to my mom's fortune teller, they're all supposed to happen, just be glad it wasn't worse. Whatever the cause, I am glad to slowly regain my strength and sound of mind, because changes are coming, and they're coming on strong.

About two Fridays ago, after picking up M from the airport and getting the rental back to the city, we met up with the rest of my friends for a movie. We parked in the parking lot of the theater and moved our valuables to the trunk (which to many, is a pretty safe way to deter theft). But to our detriment, we hadn't noticed our laptop bags were stolen until we had arrived home. Suffice to say, we both lost our laptops, and all the other tech/gadgets in our laptop bags. Whoever stole them hit the jackpot, because after we tallied up our loss, total was worth more than five thousand dollars. After much grief and moping around, we filed the proper reports, called the proper authorities and mustered up some will to just keep moving on from that.

Never in my life have I lost so much in material value in one shot before. It took some time to shake off the shock I was in. Not that I wasn't upset about the amount of money I had lost because of it, but I was even MORE upset that I had lost my backup drive, which stored in it was all the work I've been saving from freelance gigs, personal work, resources, ideas, inspirations, and many of my photo/video backups. Poof, gone just like that.

To protect ourselves from identity theft, we made the arrangements to keep our credit safe with some credit protection agencies, changed passwords, and switched handles around. Just. In. Case. And so that I don't lose my clients, I've requested extensions to the jobs with deadlines still pending. So when I get paid for these jobs, at least I can pay for the new tech I have to replace... like this new laptop I'm typing on.

All the while, the past two weeks or so I've been battling with the most insane allergies I have ever endured. I am also positively sure that somewhere along the lines of allergies, I caught a bug that manifested itself into a sinus infection. Lacking adequate knowledge of such conditions, I've began a loosely armed war again what I thought was mere seasonal allergy attack, when quite possibly it was an onslaught of a head-cold, sinus infection, and the said allergies. I took various drugs to no avail, allergy medication, cold medication, specifically targeted medicines for whatever parts that cause me grief. Then one night, I hit a peak of infection and got a fever. Ah ha, finally something I'm familiar with. I took the proper meds and hit the sack for a night of full-on sweat session. I grew up learning that whenever I have a fever, with the right medication, one sure-fire way to feel better is to sweat it all out under a ton of blankets and plenty of water (to counter the dehydration). Lo and behold, the next morning, I began my way to recovery. Though the recovery has been slow, I am finally beginning to feel better. I still have the occasional night cough and morning loogies, but otherwise full strength gained. Now enabled with new laptop with top of the line apps to get work going again, healthy regained, prospective jobs upcoming, I am starting to feel a lot better.

As for the changes that are ahead, M finally got a job offer he had been waiting for, and glad we are to have waited. He'll be transferred back up to the Bay Area, most likely San Jose, with a pay cut, one he's happy to take because at last he'll be back up here. And as for me, I will be moving in with him. It's a big step, one that took me awhile to arrive at, but am confident to take. I know the logic behind moving away form the city in which I work to another city just to be with the boyfriend, but logic never was my ally much of my life anyhow. I will commute to San Francisco from San Jose, I'll be close to a Caltrain station so I can easily stay mobile. And if all goes well and as planned, I may even consider buy a car to make my California life complete.

There are many benefits to moving in with M. Most of which we both agree will make our lives better. A main component to it were the amount of money we'll save, the ease of living, and quality of life we will improve upon. This will effectively be the first time I ever live with someone I am dating, but since we have discussed this at length, I see it wise to finally take this step.

So what did the fortune teller say exactly? That I turn thirty this year (in Chinese astrology, first year of birth is counted as one), which will affect my luck for the next few years. But before my luck turns better, it has to turn for the worse. I was to lose a lot of wealth, face painful health issues, and endure shit-talk, gossip, from others. I am to work hard, but be wary of health and fitness, and for the rest of the year joy will be plentiful.

Whether or not I should believe, I know honest hard work always brought me results. I know karma will work her cosmic ways and the thieves and shit-talkers will get theirs.

I like elipses

Maybe it's the wine I'm drinking, or maybe it's the rain outside my firescape, I can't seem to shake this mood I'm in. Waiting for the laundry to dry in the drier, with a wool blanket draped over my back, I'm huddled over laptop trying to piece together something cohesive.

I've had four breakups to date. They were the more serious ones, ones that lasted more than 2 months. The longest being two years. Each one worthy of note, each one I believed to have been the one to grow old with, sign papers with, raise children with. In my book of love, each chapter etched its lyrics onto my heart, burned scars into my skin, with the words of each shouting match, each sugar sweet whispers, each pillow talk crowding my mind, and every unsaid word hanging at the edge of my lips. I miss them. I miss every one of them. Each moment, each step we took, each song we sang, each thought we conjured. And most of all, I miss who I was when I believed in them, all of them... So naive. So green.

And as if to say "hurt me now, so that I can get over the pain and move on with my life" I stopped believing in forever. Preemptive, I know. I'm in a happy, loving relationship now. But from time to time, doubt still rears its ugly head, and I wonder. We're never sure are we? I guess that's part of the fun? Not knowing...

No idea where I'm going with this...

I think I need a new perspective...

++

I should consider myself lucky to be alive, with loving, caring friends and family, a job that more than keeps me alive and well, and the prospects of a future. And if love is in the picture, consider it a bonus, because for a lot of people in the world, these questions are a first world problem.

+

Plato says "Love is a serious mental disease." I'm really really sick then...

+

I've obviously failed at keeping this entry cohesive...

Scatterbrain

I don't think I write enough these days, at least not as much as I used to. My main problem is finding the adequate time to do it. Often, throughout the day, I would have things to write about, but never end up getting to them. I've told myself time and again to jot some ideas down at the very least, and save them for later elaboration. When I do have time however, namely downtime, I end up indulging in the momentary freedom and completely forget that I had materials to write about, and should I remember that I did have things to write about... I get too bogged down to write about them. It becomes a chore if I have to force myself to do it.

++

Today was a slow day at my office. My project is pending approvals and cannot proceed without client's input. So it's the waiting game. During this "down time" today I browsed all the movie trailers on the Quicktime site. It's been awhile since I've seen a good movie at the theaters. I completely missed the Slumdog Millionaire bangwagon and will have to catch it on DVD some time later. I'm pretty excited about some of the films that are coming out, there are some pretty awesome looking flicks upcoming. Here's a list of what I'm planning on seeing:

• Mutant Chronicles
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• Up
• Planet 51
• Star Trek
• Monsters and Aliens
• G.I. Joe
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• The Watchmen
• Astroboy
• 9

There are some foreign language films that I'm pretty excited to see too:

• Tokyo!
• Owl and Sparrow
• Tokyo Sonata
• Cherry Blossoms
• Paris 36
• Sin Nombre

And some notables:

• Medicine for Melancholie
• Gigantic

I will most likely not able to see all of them obviously. I'd be short several hundred dollars. But I will try to catch as many of these as possible.

++

What I'm loving lately. Asian American film makers slowly making their way into mainstream. This one in particular has been gaining some popularity at least in the online community. And soon, hopefully, we'll be seeing more work from him. I'd love to see what he can do with feature films.

25 Random Facts

1. I was born at a re-education camp in XinJiang, China (in Urumqi) during the Mao regime and lived there till I was 4 years old before Mao died and the people liberated.
2. At one point when I was young, I spoke 4 different dialects of Chinese (Mandarin, Cantononese, Toisan, Shanghainese)
3. My first boy crush was when I was 5 years old, first girl crush was when I was 9.
Boy crushes eventually beat out girl crushes.
4. All the schools I've attended since preschool were art-related.
5. My older brother and I used to fist-fight. He was the one with the muscles and size, but I was the one with bony knuckles, so I'd always win.
6. I have conflicting internal dialogues, but who doesn't?
7. The opposing argument in my head is always so convincing. That explains my indecisiveness.
8. I need emotional release at least once a year, or else random triggers get me bawling at the most inopportune of moments.
9. I think I'm inconsistent, only at certain things, sometimes come off as flighty or flaky.
10. I have trouble differentiating what I think, what I feel, and what I believe... and a lot of the times what I think and feel and believe are different from each other.
11. I sleep best on my stomach. I have nightmare if I sleep on my back. ALWAYS.
12. I'm a chronic cuddler.
13. I find the snoring or heavy breathing of my BF next to me comforting. It let's me know he's still there.
14. I have abandonment issues stemming from childhood experiences.
15. My fatal flaw is being overtly accommodating to the point of losing myself.
16. I'm working on all the above inadequacies and think I'm doing rather well.
17. I like aphorisms.
18. I have an obsession with the ukulele.
19. I have an obsession with ramen (not the packaged kind).
20. If I didn't go into the art and design field, I probably would've gone into music.
21. I quote others to better express myself.
22. I really think/feel/believe that "He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer." - Thomas Mann
23. I live for the experience, bad or good.
24. I have a secret love affair with airports.
25. "I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen